"The terrible age of two"

 Who among us has not gone through the experience of the child lying on the floor and stamping his feet when the child did not get what he wanted? This behavior is very typical around the ages of two or three. What causes it? What can be done to help the child and reduce these cases?

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What is a tantrum?

A tantrum is a child's way of expressing anger and frustration. It is an uncontrollable emotional outburst. It stems from the fact that the child does not have the verbal ability to express his feelings (whether his language is not yet sufficiently developed, or whether due to the emotional flooding in which he is at that moment), and therefore he expresses his feelings physically.

 

What causes the tantrum?

The tantrum is due to a gap between what is desired and what is found. These gaps can be due to various things, for example, a gap between the child's desires and abilities (for example the desire to dress alone, but his physical ability to do so), between his desires and the boundaries contained in him (his desire to eat another cookie and the parents' boundaries - which allows only one cookie). The desire for independence and separation on the one hand (to stay away from one's parents) and the fear of this independence on the other (the fear to stay away from one's parents)…

 

What can be done at that moment?

At that moment there is no point in having a conversation with the child and trying to give him explanations - he is not available for that.

It is important to contain the child's difficulty, to be there for him, and to empathize with his situation. For this purpose, we will go down to the height of his eyes, feminize the emotion ("I understand that you are angry/frustrated because…"). If the child allows it - we will hug him.

If the tantrum is due to a limit we set for the child, it is very important to stand behind that limit. This is so as not to convey a double message to the child, nor to teach him that we succumb to the tantrum (which will encourage his use in the future as well).

If the attack is due to the child's internal frustration (example: the desire to do something alone and lack of success), we will help him minimally, and he can experience success (example: he wants to open the Bamba alone and fails - we will just start and open a small opening for him, and he can continue Own).

Once the tantrum has passed, when the child is already calm, you can have a conversation with him about what happened, give him explanations, and if he is due for that then even try to think with him about possible solutions when this situation happens again.

 

What can be done in daily life?

In everyday life there are several things that can be done:

1. Emotional day - to introduce emotional language - to tell the child how we feel, to mediate for them how they feel, and all this in different situations in daily life, and not just in times of distress.

In this way, we will teach the child to use this language, and thus we will teach him and open in him the ability to express himself verbally even in times of difficulty.

2. Development and support for independence - what the child can do alone he can do alone and we will encourage him to do so. In things he can not do alone he is given minimal mediation to allow him to experience success (like the Bamba example).

3. Choices - At this age, the child has the desire for independence and control. In order to fulfill this need, he is given a choice where it is possible. For example choice of what to wear, choice of what to eat… The choice is given to him according to age: at a young age out of 2-3 options, and at an older age, one can ask an open question.

4. Setting clear and consistent boundaries - Children need a clear framework. They need to know what is about to happen, what is allowed, and what is forbidden. All this gives them confidence and stability. Therefore, when we set law or a boundary, we will abide by it.

5. Balance between boundaries and independence and choice - Decide with yourself what boundaries and rules you do not compromise on. In other things, it is possible to compromise and give the child the choice.

 

So once we understand what a tantrum is and what can be done, remember that tantrums express distress. Be empathetic to the child. Try to do this and you will see how the tantrums decrease both in length and frequency. Successfully!